Posts Tagged ‘Friendship’

What do I miss…

Posted: July 6, 2010 in Rambles
Tags: , ,

First, don’t even think about saying high school. I am on the other side of through with traveling down the high school memory-lane. That car has crashed, been impounded, dismantled and then thrown into the Bermuda Triangle. Even the phrase, “Remember back in high school when…” makes me want to yell, “NO I DON’T!”

Let’s be honest people, NOBODY does that anymore!

Not to say there aren’t any fond memories still lurking, there are many, very many, it’s just not my idea of an opening conversation piece.

Okay, I feel better.

Let’s see…

I miss walking around my college campus with Jake and people labeling us twins of some sort. Granted Jake is Caucasian and I am Me, for some reason I felt as though he understood me, accepted my idiosyncrasies, or maybe just didn’t notice them. I thought Jake was one of the most laidback coolest people God had ever created. Yeah…

I miss fighting with Deirdra, kicking her out of my room, only for her to sit on the couch ten feet away. Five minutes later we would be walking to Wendy’s. I miss singing in the middle of Publix with her, as other shoppers danced and joined in. I miss our Sunday services together. I could simply be me.

I miss Chris. No matter what mood I was in, the dude could always make me laugh. Even as I type this I can picture his stick-figure body, bouncing back and forth like a bad child, looking for something to get into. I miss the fact that he was the type of roommate I always wanted and the type of friend I always wished to have. I miss his prank phone calls, trying to sing in Spanish. Even now, I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculously hilarious he was in every single way.

I miss Sonnii. Every guy wanted to be with her and every girl wanted to be as naturally beautiful as her. Still, she didn’t mind hanging out with me. When we were together time seemed to move by musically. Even in public, being able to call her friend, I could taste the jealousy of onlookers.

Unfortunately, time has a way of changing things and life’s situations have a tendency to turn even the sweetest flavor sour – try drinking spoiled milk.

When Jake suddenly stopped talking to me, I was devastated. When Deirdra no longer needed me, neglecting to blow up my voicemail daily, I felt unwanted. When Chris moved on, I felt betrayed and when Sonnii cut me off, I felt, well, cut.

So, why would I include instances which are dipped in pain as precious memories, knowing that more damage was done than actually portrayed? Well, I guess it goes back to something my mother used to tell me growing up:

“You have to forgive and God will help you forget.”

WHAT?

How am I supposed to forget what they did to me? How was I supposed to forget all that I invested in our friendships only to feel used and discarded? How am I supposed to forget the pain, intentional and accidental?

I CAN NEVER FORGET.

But now, as I am older, I understand.

I didn’t forget the day Jake stopped talking to me, or Deirdra stopped needing me, or Chris stopped making me laugh, or even using Sonnii as a crutch for my lack of self-esteem. When I was around her I guess I actually felt attractive, as if girls would like me merely by association.

However, I have forgotten the residual pain.

Plz Forgive Me...

When those memories tickle my mind, I no longer connect with the offense. Like a broken leg, those wounds have healed and my emotions stronger. I no longer associate their names, essences, with pain. I can only remember the laughs, the craziness, and the illegal activities that surely would’ve landed us in jail if caught. But even in that, I would be sitting next to someone who created a lasting memory for me.

For me, at least, forgiving someone is the hard part. Sometimes you have to silently war against yourself as you struggle to excuse an offense someone didn’t even ask to be excused of. You have to watch them move about unaware, or unconcerned, that they have hurt you.

If you were like me, you needed them to confess all their faults, laying them out like a timeline, so that you knew they knew how they made you feel. But I guess I got over that. Because now I know that forgiveness, although still hard, is the quick detour to forgetting.

Forgetting is actually the easy part for me. It’s like watching a heavy mist disperse in the sun. Its heavy fog eventually breaks and I can see the light. Yeah, the fog may disperse slowly at times, taking weeks, months, or even years to clear, but when it does the memories are so much more polished.

And while people are constantly saying, “In the good ole days.”

How do you know that these days aren’t good?

Someday, even these days will cause you to look back and laugh, as they will be beautiful memories when the forgiveness process allows the dense cloud to disperse – forgetting the offenses.

I know I have had to forgive people I have never even met for a decision they made, although I am currently doing the laughing.

You can’t climb higher pulling a downhill load. I guess that is why I am still skinny, I have been able to do a lot of running up hills lately.

So I guess I am annoyed by high school because there are some things I haven’t forgotten yet…

Let’s test that out…

“Remember in high school when…”

NOPE, STILL ANNOYING!!!

I have too much to look forward to, to constantly look back. I have too many more dense fogs to look forward to. I have too many painful recollections to turn into beautiful memories. I have too many good new days to look forward to.

High school is in the vault. How could I have possibly p(l)ayed RENT if I am still concerned about high school. And we all know I miss RENT…

I can’t wait to see what I will miss next and maybe the only thing I will be forgetting is the time as I am living in the moment…

I already miss writing my first paragraph…

(Oh yeah, understand that forgiveness doesn’t always mean restoration. I have fond memories of them all, but our relationships aren’t exactly the same. But who know what the future holds…)

PS. Lemurs are playful and pickles are good…

I told you...

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